“Who done it”

The sky is the limit when it comes to the types of problems couples present with in my office. There’s the typical issues of money, sex, or in-laws. There’s the deeper issues of trauma, mental illness, or infidelity. And many times, interwoven, there are the issues of who’s right and who’s wrong, what happened and what didn’t, what was said and what wasn’t said. In these instances, it’s so easy to get caught in this back and forth ping pong match, pulling out all of the evidence to convince the other party that they are, in fact, wrong. We’ve all been there. We see, feel, and remember certain things so vividly that it’s challenging to accept any other way of looking at it. The problem is, our partner oftentimes does too. So what do you do when you reach this impasse, when no matter what you do or say, no one budges? At times it might feel like there’s this “who done it” mystery to solve. But the purpose of discussion isn’t to solve the mystery of whose memory is the most accurate, awarding one partner the “I’m right!” medal and the other, “Loser”. The real mystery to solve is one of disconnection. And if we look closely at it, it doesn’t have to be a mystery at all.

What do I mean by disconnection? If we define connection as a link between two people, disconnection is a break in that link. When we’re securely connected, or linked, to our partner, we have the ability to hold space for what I’m feeling and what you’re feeling, how I see it and how you see it. We have safety to express our perceptions, feelings, and needs as we encounter challenges. We can also receive our partner’s ability to do the same, even if they’re different than ours. If there’s a break in this link, our ability to hold space for both ourself and our partner is compromised. When there’s a break in this link, we start to flounder, grabbing on to anything that might help save us. Unfortunately a quick and easy grab is going down the content rabbit hole - “you said this”, “no, you’re wrong, I said this”. This only furthers the disconnection, perpetuating the cycle.

So how do you solve this mystery of disconnection, and start to repair the link? First, you have to acknowledge that you’re stuck in content, that no one is being heard, that no one can “win”, that continuing down this path will only intensify hurt and disconnection. The next step is to look at what’s going on both within yourself and between you and your partner. When you look within, explore your perception of what happened and identify what feelings are present. For instance, “When you left for work, I reminded you to pick up my prescription on your way home. When you came home without it and said I never told you, I felt dismissed, angry, and helpless”. Next look at what happens between (i.e., “I start to yell and criticize you, and you become defensive”). In order for this to work, BOTH partners have to avoid going down the content rabbit hole. If partner B starts doubling down on how they were never told and starts sharing “evidence”, you’re off track. Rather, partner B might share their perception, feelings, and how they see the “between”: “I remember leaving for work and feeling anxious about being late, I kissed you goodbye and left. When I came home, I felt caught off guard, attacked, and uncared for. I started fighting back, and then it was back and forth between us”. When we can have a conversation about what’s going on within us and between us and stay out of the content and blaming, we can start to better understand the mystery. When we share these perceptions, feelings, and needs vulnerably, we start to repair the link.

Yes, this can be hard to do and takes practice. There’s no “don’t try this at home” disclaimer. But if you find that this pattern continues to happen, where you get stuck in content, blaming, looking for a “right” and “wrong”, leaving you and your partner feeling further and further disconnected, and struggling to navigate it on your own, this may be a good time to consider counseling. Don’t get caught in your own “who done it” mystery, seek repair and connection and enjoy your “happily ever after”.

Authentically,

Joey