Joy and Suffering

I recently returned from an extended family vacation. Between my siblings, parents, and I, we came from 3 different states and stayed under one roof for a week. There were 14 kids under the age of 13. People are always shocked when they hear this. Not only does our family make the effort to vacation together almost every year, but we actually enjoy it! Is it stressful? Sure. Does it require sacrifice and suffering? Yup. Is it worth it? Absolutely! Why? Because you can’t experience great joy without suffering.

I have been reflecting on this theme for a while now - the intertwining of joy and suffering. This intertwining particularly strikes me when praying the joyful mysteries of the rosary. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the rosary, it’s a prayer used by many Catholics to help draw them closer to Jesus by reflecting on the various parts of His life. The joyful mysteries are composed of 5 moments of Jesus’ life that bring great joy, both to His mother, Mary, and also to us. Surprisingly though, joy isn’t the only experience present, as you can see.

1st joyful mystery: The Annunciation

The angel Gabriel announces to Mary that she is going to have a baby, the Son of God.

Joy: Can you imagine the excitement knowing you are carrying the Son of God in your womb? That you play an integral part of salvation history?

Suffering: Imagine the scandal of others finding out you’re pregnant out of wedlock. Imagine trying to explain to your betrothed that you’re carrying a child - God’s child - and wondering if he’ll believe you!

2nd joyful mystery: The Visitation

Mary travels to visit her cousin, Elizabeth, who is also pregnant, to help her in her need, and to also share the good news of her own pregnancy.

Joy: What’s the first thing you want to do with good news? Share it with your loved ones!

Suffering: It’s not like Mary got in her car or called an uber to take her to her cousin. She had to walk miles, by herself, while pregnant in the first trimester when you typically feel the worst!

3rd joyful mystery: The Nativity

The birth of Our Lord.

Joy: If you’ve ever had the privilege of having a child, holding your baby in your arms for the first time is a joy you can’t describe. And to make it all the more special, not only was Mary holding her baby, she was holding God!

Suffering: I don’t think having a baby in a barn was Mary’s ideal birth plan!

4th joyful mystery: The Presentation in the Temple

Mary and Joseph presented Jesus in the temple, per Jewish custom.

Joy: At the time of the presentation, Simeon, a devout man in the temple, recognized Jesus as the messiah. Can you imagine the pride and joy of this truth being recognized by someone else?

Suffering: Simeon also prophesied how Mary’s heart would be pierced.

5th joyful mystery: The Finding of Jesus in the Temple

Jesus was traveling back from Jerusalem with Mary, Joseph, and many others, and they realized they lost him! They found him back in the temple with the teachers.

Joy: They found him, that’s relief enough! But to find him at the age of 12, teaching and debating with scholars, was an amazement.

Suffering: Losing a child is terrifying! Enough said.

How would these mysteries look different if there wasn’t the suffering? The significance of the Annunciation is watered down. There’s no build up of anticipation at the Visitation. The birth becomes a little less mysterious. The Presentation lacks intensity. The Finding in the Temple isn’t as amazing.

Without suffering, are these moments still joyful? Of course! But the experience of joy comes alive in a way that wouldn’t otherwise without the suffering. The most obvious one to me is the Finding in the Temple. We can’t fully realize the joy of finding a lost child if we haven’t experience the anxiety of losing one.

How does this relate to marriage? Just like going on a family vacation, or meditating upon the joyful mysteries, we can see the intertwining of joy and suffering in our own marriages. You can notice this at the start of your relationship when you have your first fight. That feeling of how bad it feels to be at odds with someone you love for the first time, contrasted with what it feels like to make up, repair, reconnect. Being connected and in-sync always feels good, but it feels especially good after a period of being out of sync. Fast forward to early marriage when you’re trying to balance the demands of home-ownership, parenthood, and trying to build your career. How good does it feel to slow down together, to have moments of relaxation, moments to share joy in the fruits of all the hard work you’ve been putting in. When you continue to age and health problems come on the scene, doesn’t it feel good to take care of your hurting spouse? To know that even though you can’t change their condition, you can hold their hand and be their source of comfort. It’s easy to lose sight of this in the midst of suffering. I get it - we want to get out of it immediately because it doesn’t feel good. But what if it’s this suffering that’s allowing our marriages to experience greater joy? Mary didn’t flee the moment things got hard. She persevered in hope that joy was to come. We need to persevere too, especially when things get hard in marriage, because it’s when we embrace the suffering like Mary, we’re able to more fully enter into the joy. Let’s live the challenge of allowing our marriages to be places of suffering because we have hope that joy will be there too.